Our story of loss

As I mentioned on Facebook I took some time off for personal reasons, which is why you haven’t heard from me on the blog for a while.  Don’t worry – I still have a lot of sessions in the queue to post.  But first, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts.  After considering it, I felt that I needed to write down the story of my miscarriage, even if it is just for myself.

Just a few days after the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer (that post coming soon), I felt the inkling to take a pregnancy test.  Why I will never know, because we weren’t trying yet and I really didn’t have any pregnancy symptoms.  But the spirit must have told me to.  I took it that afternoon and was completely shocked at the clear pink line.  I kept checking the instructions to make sure it was a positive reading.  My mind was whirling with all the things that would mean for our schedule that spring (I knew my due date would be May 16th because of course that’s the first thing you check), how I would handle 3 kids under 4: strollers, preschool, bedrooms, highchairs, carseats… everything.  I started looking up names for boys… and girls (I can dream right?)  In my mind, I was thinking of all the cute things I could make if it was a girl – blankets, hats, bows, dresses, bonnets – oh, I was going to be BUSY!   I looked up ways to tell my husband, Brian of our news and decided just to email him a picture of the pregnancy test.  I was still in shock and disbelief because the news was so sudden and I needed him to help make it real.  We were SO excited!

The next day (a Friday), I went to my OB to confirm it with a blood test.  I was anxious because that would mean I had to wait until Monday for the results.  As Friday progressed, I began to feel sharp chest pain.  It kept up for several hours off and on and I started worrying it might be a blood clot, since I had a pulmonary embolism after my last pregnancy.  I called the OB for reassurance that it must just be heart burn, but they were more worried than I was!  Apparently, pregnancy itself is an indicator of blood clots.  And they sent me directly to the ER for tests.  What they didn’t tell me is that any definitive tests are contraindicated for pregnancy, especially an early pregnancy.  So the doctors could only do an EKG and blood test, which seemed normal.  Then they left the decision up to me, whether or not to do the CT scan, which had possible risks for the fetus.  I decided not to do the test and went home after 6 hours in the ER, a large copay and feeling both worried and foolish for going to the hospital.  However, I was happy that I did have confirmation of the pregnancy through the hospital blood test.  The HCG levels even looked high!  And over the weekend, I started thinking, dreaming, and worrying about the possibility of twins.

The OB’s office confirmed the results on Monday morning and wanted to see me later that week to check everything.  When I went in, and the doctor did an ultrasound.  He found the amniotic sac but nothing else.  He said that it was just too early to see anything and scheduled an appointment for the following week.  I was a little worried but cautiously optimistic.  I knew that not seeing the baby and heartbeat could be a bad sign.  But I reasoned that my dates were probably a little bit off and that it was just too early to see anything.  Just a few days later, things were not looking so optimistic.  I started spotting, and the on-call doctor put me on light bed rest.  I still didn’t think much of it.  I had a similar issue when I was pregnant with my first son and everything turned out fine.  I was mostly disappointed that I could not do the mud run I had signed up and paid for months ago.  What a waste of money!?!

I woke up the next morning with flu!  So much for the mud run!   That day the bleeding was getting worse, but the doctor said not to worry because I wasn’t having cramping – the baby might be okay.  I was still optimistic.  But not for long… all at once the pain came!   It was the worst pain of my life – just like labor pain, but with the disappointment of losing my baby.

The doctor confirmed it the next day.  It was final.  Baby baker was around 8 weeks old.

It is a weird feeling to suddenly lose your hopes, dreams, future for this child.  Every day, I am still dealing with the realization that our baby won’t be here in May (though I have several friends that are expecting around that date) and that even when I get pregnant again, our kids won’t be that close together (I’ve always wanted our children to be close in age).  It also plays upon my worries, after having two healthy children to have a miscarriage – what if I have another miscarriage?  what if I have trouble getting pregnant again?  what if we can’t have the big family we’ve always wanted?  I guess I have to have faith.

I know the Lord loves us and has a plan for us.  There is a reason this had to happen.  I don’t know why, but I have faith that we will have the children that He wants us to have in the time frame that He knows is best.  Blessings come in unexpected ways and sometimes we don’t see the whole picture.  I love the Lord and have faith in His eternal plan.

Miscarriage and infant baby loss flower

8 Responses to “Our story of loss”

  1. amy b Says:

    I am sorry this happened to you. You are not alone. My sister experienced this not to long ago. It’s disappointing but as you know everything has it’s reason. :)

  2. Melissa Reisbeck Says:

    I am so sorry for your loss Amber. You are very strong and brave to share your feelings and I am sure have touched and helped another by doing so. Hugs.

  3. Taren Says:

    I am so sorry Amber. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

  4. Lisa Says:

    sorry about your loss, and glad you’re doing a bit better as time goes by. Hang in here – you are loved and thought of more than you know.

  5. Michelle Says:

    I admire your faith and your strength to share your story with others. Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss are so very painful. The minute our pregnancies are confirmed we begin to dream of our futures, we see what our family portrait will look like nine months later, we plan, and, above all, we love. We love that unborn child with our whole heart. And when the baby is gone, we are left to wonder. What would they have been like? How would our family look? Sometimes I think I will always wonder about what would have been, even though I am content with my life now. No child will replace your little Baby Baker, Amber. I am so sad for your loss. Please know that I’m here for you if you ever need to talk.

  6. Kristy Says:

    I could have written that sentence about miscarrying after two normal pregnancies. It’s amazing how much that experience haunts your thinking. Thanks for sharing this.

  7. Katie Massey Says:

    Amber what a beautiful reflection and what a tremendous loss. I am so very sorry. God bless you and continue to comfort you.

  8. Pregnant Says:

    Thanks for this article. I have a website for pregnant women and lately I have a client who is pregnant. I fear for the baby’s health so I am doing some research of how to help my client the best I can. And this has been very inspirational. So again, I desire to thank you so much! – get pregnant